


if i could

by troublemaker (shoseilovemail)



Series: catch me (before i fall) [2]
Category: JO1 (Japan Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst with a Happy Ending, Depression, M/M, Shosei-centric, Sleep Paralysis, based on my own experiences i guess
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-26
Updated: 2020-06-26
Packaged: 2021-03-04 02:48:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,035
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24926431
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shoseilovemail/pseuds/troublemaker
Summary: One of these days, he wakes up and he feels it. It's quite hard to describe, that feeling. It's present in his chest and stomach, a feeling of dread. And it's so heavy.orShosei thinks, he thinks a lot and ask himself, what if he wasn't like this, what if he could actually do something.
Relationships: Ohira Shosei/Shiroiwa Ruki
Series: catch me (before i fall) [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1864441
Comments: 6
Kudos: 8





	if i could

"I don't know when it started. ", Shosei says. Although he thinks about it a lot, he can't pinpoint an exact point in time, neither an exact reason. It had just happened.

One of these days, he wakes up and _he feels it_. It's quite hard to describe, that feeling. It's present in his chest and stomach, a feeling of dread. And it's _so_ heavy. It doesn't hurt, but it feels like it's pulling him down, pinning him to his bed and forcing him to stay there. His mind knows very well that he has homework to do, classes to attend, housework. His head hurts from the spiralling worries about not being able to do it all, and that doesn't make it easier.

"So I closed my eyes, took a deep breath, and pulled myself up. And went on. "

He isn't able to pay attention to class as usual, _even though he knows it's important today_ , and it frustrates him. Even worse, it's not like he's overthinking, there's just... nothing. It feels like static noise, a radio silence, and it hurts. It hurts. Shosei's brain just feels clogged with shit he can't identify. He feels like punching a wall, although knowing perfectly well that it'll hurt just more.

When he comes back, he throws himself onto his bed, and he wants to cry. He wants to let out the frustration so bad, but there's just nothing coming out of his eyes.

"There was always just... nothing. But it was... " Shosei hesitates. "It was as if nothing was _something_. "

"Like a ball of black matter? ", his opposite asks, and Shosei nods.

"There was nothing yet it felt too much."

Shosei asks himself all those questions over and over again. _Why_ can't I do it, _why_ am I like this, _why, why, why why why._ They remain without an answer, an unsolved equation, and Shosei knows that he won't be able to find the solution, but he keeps throwing these questions at himself, when he looks in the mirror and spots the dark circles under his eyes, the slumped down shoulders, the red spots in his face and it makes everything _just worse_.

The questions, worries and frustrations only keep piling up in his head, his invisible to-do list becoming longer and longer, and they all make the ball of nothing in his head grow bigger and bigger.

_It's so much that it becomes nothing. But at that point, even nothing is too much._

"I just... it kept getting worse, and I didn't know what to do. I... I wanted to feel at ease, but with every day, it just became... " He chokes on a suppressed sob. "It all just became scarier. "

One night, Shosei wakes up, but it's weird. He feels himself but he also doesn't. It's like his whole body is asleep but his mind is wide awake. And he can't move.

So he just lays there, and there's a _sound_ in his ear, it's eerie as if he's in a horror movie. There's also a feeling of _something being there_ in the room, but Shosei can't turn to check, and it makes his anxiety shoot sky-high. His breath quickens, and it goes to an extent that Shosei feels like he can't breathe, there's so much pressure on him, like the whole world's on his chest, and he can't breathe, and there's that sound and this _fucking scary_ feeling, and he can't breathe, he wants to cry, scream, but he can't, he can't and-

Shosei blinks, and it's over. As if nothing had happened, he turns over to find Sukai peacefully asleep in the other bed across the room. A glance to the clock told him _00.17 am_. He hasn't even slept for half an hour, but it had felt like an eternity.

Later he finds out that it's a phenomenon called sleep paralysis - a state in which you wake up but are unable to speak or move. It's something that occurs to most people at least once, but Shosei reads that psychological stress is a risk factor, and he's scared.

It just adds up to his pile of fears and stress, and once when he's laying in his bed like every other day, he thinks about everything he had wanted to do but now he's 20 and pretty much depressed and struggling with his courses, and he thinks, _if I could, if I could I'd do whatever I want._

_But I can't._

-

"I see ", Shosei's opposite says and closes his notebook. "I... I'm not supposed to be your therapist or something. ", he says with slight hesitation. Shosei nods.

"But I think it's important that you've shared this with someone, and I'll do my best to get you help. " The slim man smiles softly. "I'll ask my father, he surely knows something, and we'll help you. See, Shosei? " He puts his hands on the younger's shoulder and smiles yet again, asserting. _"You will be helped, and it will get better. "_

Shosei would've never expected this particular person to be the one that helps him picking up himself again. He'd never thought any way of the chatty literature student, thought he was just some popular guy with not many dimensions to his personality. But, Ruki is far more than that, it turns out.

He's the one who finds him. He's the one who approaches him. He's the one who talks to him. He's the one who understands him.

Ruki's father is a therapist himself, and tells Shosei some places to go, books to read, people to call and movies to watch. He takes it to heart, because he wants to get better. He wants to stop asking himself all these questions. _Why_ , and _if_.

If he could stop asking himself all these questions, thinking about why he is like this, and what he could do if he wasn't, he'd be happy, maybe.

-

~~If he could stop asking himself all these questions, thinking about why he is like this, and what he could do if he wasn't, he'd feel happy, maybe.~~

When he stops asking himself all these questions and just accepts how things are at the moment and that it _will_ get better, he feels happy.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! Please leave a comment or find me on [ cc ](https://curiouscat.qa/Shoseilover) or [ twt ](https://twitter.com/shoseilovemail)


End file.
